Funny and Relatable New Year Resolutions

We all know the secret to New Year’s resolutions actually coming true: make them realistic, make them specific, and break the big “life overhaul” dreams into small, manageable steps. (Because “reinvent myself by February” rarely survives past Week One.)

So if you’re staring at a blank page thinking, “Okay…but what does realistic actually look like?” — don’t worry. Below are some everyday goals broken down into achievable, human-sized pieces. Feel free to borrow them, tweak them, or simply use them as inspiration for your own list.

Most importantly — here’s wishing that every resolution you set this year has a real shot at coming true! Let’s keep it simple, keep it doable, and maybe even have a little fun along the way.

---

• Go vegan for six months (or at least three).
• Try to find recipes for at least two healthy dishes.
• Read five books this year for self-education. At minimum, turn on subtitles while watching Netflix.
• Stop Googling my symptoms and set up an appointment sometime in the year to see a doctor.
• Get enough sleep at least three nights per week.
• Find my last year’s New Year’s resolutions so I don’t have to rewrite the whole list from scratch.
• Stop taking credit cards to HomeGoods and Target — only bring cash.
• Kids college fund ideas for the new year: start collecting my tweets into a book and sell the book on Etsy.
• Stop buying fresh zucchini every week – find some recipe to actually cook it.
• Do yoga at least once a month so I can officially justify wearing yoga pants the rest of the month.
• Speaking of pants… IMPORTANT!!! Put on pants for all work-related Zoom calls!!!
• Come up with a new recurrent health emergency legend to make me taking time off work less suspicious.
• Find all Netflix shows I downloaded more than 5 years ago. Watch (or delete) at least ONE.
• Change the Amazon password into something more complicated, something I would be less likely to be able to type it in when I’m drunk.
• Finally start putting money into a saving account. Money saving idea: find a driving route that does NOT pass a Starbucks. Also – make coffee at home — but pour it into a Starbucks cup.
• Cancel my paid phone games subscriptions and use the money as my car repair emergency fund instead… Once I have enough, take my car to the mechanic to see what the “Check Engine” light is about.
• Search online for a diet that uses tacos or French fries or wine to lose weight.

Plan smart, stay flexible, laugh at the detours, and most importantly, don’t take past “failed resolutions” too seriously. They were just practice runs.

Here’s to a year of progress we can measure, goals we can reach, and tacos we don’t feel guilty about. Dream big. Start small. And keep going — because every tiny step still counts.

---